My Testimony

This story begins, as many do, with a young girl falling in love with a boy. She’s certain she’s found her one true love and soon marries her Romeo. So their lives together begin.

I am the young girl in this story and my "Romeo" is my husband, Terry. We met in the summer of 1995 and married in June 1996. I was a mere 19 years old and he was 25. 


The first year of our marriage was of storybook caliber. Our future looked bright. As if to confirm that notion, on December 28, 1996, we found out that we were expecting our first child. We were on top of the world!

My pregnancy was completely uneventful and relatively easy. Time went by quickly and we soon discovered that our bundle of joy was a boy. My husband, Terry, was elated. I can't imagine any man not being happy to discover that he was soon to have a son.

Nine months went by and my due date arrived. Much to our dismay though, I didn't go into labor. At one week overdue, my doctor tried to induce labor.  The induction failed. I was sent home and told to return a week later. Nine days later, I returned. I was now almost three weeks overdue. My doctor manually broke my water and it was noted that there was Meconium in the water. Meconium means that the baby had already started having bowel movements because he had been in there too long. We were concerned and asked if we should just "take the baby" but our doctor assured us that everything was fine and that she saw this all the time. About 20 hours after my water was broken, I developed a 103% fever as a result of an infection I had acquired. At this point, our baby was showing signs of distress. His heart rate would go from 80, up to 220 and back down to 70 within seconds. Again, we asked our doctor to just "take the baby" but were assured that everything was fine. Seven hours later, 27 hours after my water was broken, our son crashed. I'll never forget that traumatic moment. IV lines were ripped from me, nurses were running, and a Code Blue was called. I was rushed in for an emergency C-Section but it was too late. Our son was not breathing and had no APGAR score. The doctors in the NICU worked on him for 58 minutes but were not able to save him. Our baby boy had died.


Our son's name was Tanner. He died in September, 1997. I was only 20 years old. 

After Tanner died, we attempted to pick up the pieces and go on with life. Life did go on, as it always does, even though it was a different life than the one we began with. Terry and I soon discovered that we were expecting our second child. We were happy to get this news, but at the same time, we were SCARED! Luckily though, things were different this time around, and in July 1998, we welcomed our son, Tyler, into the world. We were finally a family. While we still had a void in our hearts for our first son, Tanner, our second son, Tyler, helped teach us that this life still had many treasures to offer. 


Three years went by and in June 2001 we welcomed our third child into the world. A beautiful daughter! We named her Serenity. We were happy. We would always miss Tanner but we cherished the other two gifts we had been given.

As we moved forward with our lives, we were optimistic for the future. We began to dream again. Sadly though, just as we had finally rediscovered hope, tragedy struck again. In February, 2002, our precious son, Tyler, was diagnosed with an aggressive form of Cancer called Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia.

I can still hear the doctor’s voice like it was yesterday. "I'm sorry, but we think it's Leukemia." I fell to my knees. I was trembling and I'm certain I cried out in pain. Oh God no! Not Tyler! I can't lose him too! My heart was being ripped apart a second time.

As hard as it was to lose Tanner, discovering that Tyler had cancer was harder. You see, I had never gotten the chance to really "know" Tanner since he was a baby when he died. I was devastated by his death but I didn't have to battle with having years of cherished memories and experiences with him. I had those experiences with Tyler. I had those memories. I also had a crippling fear of death that I didn't possess the first time around. With Tanner, I had never personally experienced death, so I didn't fear it. With Tyler though, it was a different story. As a result of losing Tanner, I now feared death with every fiber of my being. I had already buried one son so I knew first hand that I could lose this one too. I didn't have the reassurance that everything would be okay. I knew all too well the mortality of my children and I knew that if God wanted to take Tyler, he would.

Tyler began chemotherapy the same day he was diagnosed and he achieved remission quickly. We were thankful, but still consumed with fear. The first year of his therapy was hard. I’m grateful he doesn't remember most of it. We pretty much lived in the hospital. Our daughter, Serenity, was only eight months old when Tyler was diagnosed so that in itself was a struggle. The hospital Tyler was treated at was over two hours from our home so a lot of travel was required. We were forced to be separated from Serenity much of that first year because the hospital wouldn't allow her to stay there. Thankfully, my parents and Terry's parents pitched in to help, but it didn't change the fact that we missed out on much of that year with our daughter.

Tyler underwent three years of chemotherapy. Overall, he had to have twenty-one spinal taps, seven bone marrow aspirations, two surgeries, hundreds of port accesses, hundreds of blood draws, Red Blood Cell transfusions, Platelet transfusions and eleven hospitalizations. His treatment consisted of drugs such as oral, IV, and intrathecal Methotrexate, Leucovorin, Vincristine, Daunorubicin,  Ara-C,  Cyclophosphamide, 6-Mercaptopurine, Prednisone, Dexamethasone, Peg Asparaginase, L-Asparaginase, Ketamine, Propofol and Atropine. He lost most of his hair, swelled up like a balloon from the steroids, endured pain, battled nausea, and had to remain isolated for three years because of a severely compromised immune system. Long story short, Tyler was robbed of a large part of his childhood. Through it all though, he exuded love and joy. I pray he knows how much of an inspiration he is to me and others around him. He is a hero!

Sadly, for my family, the threat of Cancer did not stop with my son. In 2008, my dad was diagnosed with a type of Cancer called Acinic Cell Carcinoma. His therapy consisted of surgery and radiation. Then, in 2011, my father-in-law was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer. His therapy consisted of surgery, chemotherapy and radiation. Three lives, that are immeasurably precious to me, have been threatened by an evil that I am helpless to control.

To top things off, about a year ago, Terry and I discovered that our daughter, Serenity, has a severe form of Dyslexia that causes her to have to combat many hardships. I am currently homeschooling her in an effort to help her, but every day is a challenge. Despite the Dyslexia though, she is extremely bright and we are so very proud of her!


The hardships I have faced with my children have made me cherish them both in ways I'm not sure I ever could have had these things not happened. Experience is an amazing, yet sometimes painful, teacher. 


My son and my daughter are my greatest treasures. They are the brightest parts of my life and I'm honored to be their mom. To me, motherhood is the most important role I will ever play. As such, I have dedicated my life to the cause. Of all the things I could ever hope to accomplish on this earth, the most important to me, is leaving my children with a legacy of faith, hope, kindness, compassion, perseverance, and love.

That brings me to why I am starting this blog. For me, it's purpose is two fold. It will give me an opportunity to use the above traits to help the world, and it will hopefully, someday, provide my children with a recorded account of the kind of life their mom tried to live. 


I begin this journey with some personal questions I have always struggled with. As I have walked this path and faced these hardships, I've often asked, “Why have I had to endure so many hardships? Is there a reason why I have had to walk these roads?"

The closest I’ve come to answering these questions is that these trials have shaped me into the person I am today. I have learned many things along the way and I believe that I can use these experiences to help others. I have learned about fear, anger, disappointment, loneliness, apprehension, distrust, sorrow, sacrifice and hate. I have also learned about perseverance, patience, trust, kindness, compassion, strength, peace, faith, hope and love. The greatest lesson I have learned along the way though is the value of life. Every life is a gift from God and every person is precious. 


My experiences have also taught me that life is one huge oxymoron. It is messy and chaotic but it is also beautiful and orderly. This revelation is what inspired the title of my blog "The Orderly Chaos."

The orderly parts of life are usually easy. It's the chaotic parts that are hard. Things like sickness, pain, hunger, hate, death, etc... These are the "messy" parts. The parts that crush spirits and destroy hope. These are the parts that I yearn to alleviate. I want to offer light and hope in a sometimes dark world. This could be for my family, my friends or a complete stranger. I like the saying, "see a need, fill a need." It fits well into my motto which is... I strive to live justly, love fully, and serve humbly.

Through the years, I think my husband has noticed how much I love helping others. As a result, last year, he nominated me to be the Young mother of the Year for the state of Oklahoma. I suppose he felt that I was deserving of the honor because of the hardships I have overcome with my children and family and the life I have chosen to live as a result. I guess he wasn't taking points off for all of my obvious flaws. Ha!

Much to my surprise, in spite of my many flaws, I was selected! I was named the Oklahoma Young Mother of the Year for 2011. This title is awarded by an organization called American Mother’s Inc. Needless to say, this was a great honor. I am certain that there are MANY more deserving moms out there than I. Moms whose stories are just unknown. I know I am in amazing company and I consider it an honor to represent all moms out there that give 110% every day.

Now that I have offered you a glimpse into my past, I now wish to look towards the future. Every day provides opportunities for growth and discovery and I am a most anxious student. This blog is a way to share my discoveries and insights, both from the past and the present, so that they might be used to help others.

I would like to thank you for taking the time to read my story. I hope that it has touched your life and your heart in some way. It is my sincere desire that my life be used to honor God by loving others. I wish to help others as they navigate through both the order and the chaos of life. Whatever the need may be, may I always be willing to answer the call. Lord, please help me to be a light in this world.

And so the story continues......